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It was fun watching the various Twitter search tools burst into life tonight as people tuned into Bonekickers, the BBC’s new archaeologists-solve-mysteries drama. It’s worth saying that, because this was the only thing that can possibly connect the words “fun watching” and “Bonekickers” – which couldn’t have been worse if it had been translated from the markings on original Templar Knight bog roll. By Dan fucking Brown.

Here is a timeline of my brain bursting while watching it:

flashboy Awaiting the first episode of BONEKICKERS, which promises to be the most mind-blowingly stupid drama for a long time. about 1 hour ago from web

flashboy A feisty woman archaeologist stares moodily at a trench. “Come on… give up your secrets…” she mutters intensely. HAHAHAHA. about 1 hour ago from web

flashboy There are so many terrible lines in BONEKICKERS that every time I start Twittering one, another comes along to knock it off the top spot. about 1 hour ago from web

flashboy “There’s organic residue in the wood!” “Let’s not get carried away!” about 1 hour ago from web

flashboy I liked BONEKICKERS more when I thought it was called BONEKNICKERS. about 1 hour ago from web

flashboy I’ve run out of ways to describe how bad this is. The archaeologists are now robbing someone’s house looking for Jesus. Or something. 31 minutes ago from web

flashboy oh sweet jesus fucking christ on the cross, BONEKICKERS just got even worse 22 minutes ago from web

flashboy Next week on BONEKICKERS! Our hero archaeologists help Barack Obama fight terrorists using trowels. I think that’s what that meant, anyway. 14 minutes ago from web

It was truly one of the most ham-fisted, irredeemable loads of cock ever to get past the first pitch meeting. The script makes Torchwood’s dumbest moments look like The Wire, (There’s one hilarious scene where a middle aged academic escapes from a sword-wielding maniac by pushing a small book off a shelf in his direction.) The acting isn’t just wooden, it’s wood that’s been buried in a peat bog for three thousand years then stuck in a glass cabinet in Wicklow. Characters stride purposefully into rooms and shout things like “HELLO I AM A FEISTY WOMAN WITH DEMONS IN MY PAST!” “PLEASED TO MEET YOU, I AM CANTANKEROUS BUT LOVABLE!”

They clearly got very excited by the prospect of wringing real drama out of archaeology, but then they thought that maybe just digging in muddy fields wasn’t that exciting so they had to add some utter bollocks in to make it more gripping. Unfortunately, this means that every week they have to write scenes in which people become so enraged by archaeology that they go on killing sprees. In the world of Bonekickers, Tony Robinson would need 24-hour police protection.

Speaking of police, there’s a brilliant scene at the end where, after our hero archaeologists have just burnt two men to death, they have a laugh about it and suggest going to the pub. Because that’s not the sort of thing where the plods might want you to stick around for a chat, obviously,

All of this might suggest that it’s a campy, so-bad-it’s-good romp. But it isn’t. For something that features such reliable crowd pleasers as graphic decapitation, miracle healing and geophysics results, it’s mind-buggeringly dull and self-important and plodding. And wank. And poo. And piss and bum and willy.

Seriously, though, don’t watch it. Go outside and dig a hole in the ground and sit in it for an hour instead. It’ll be more enjoyable.

UPDATE: The level of vitriol on this Bonekickers fansite is hilarious. 232 comments at the time of writing, and barely a positive one among them. Selected highlights: “Oh my God! This is the worst programme I have ever seen on BBC1″; “How refreshing. It’s not very often that you see a BBC drama that redefines the word ‘bad’. Congratulations to all concerned!”; and “Dear BBC – Re: Bonekickers – Stop it. Just, stop it.”

And the official BBC messageboard isn’t much better.