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“We are trying to fight 21st century crime – ASB, drug-dealing, binge-drinking, organised crime – with 19th century methods, as if we still lived in the time of Dickens. The whole of our system starts from the proposition that its duty is to protect the innocent from being wrongly convicted…”

DRAMATIS PERSONÆ:

ISAMBARD XAVIER BLAIR, ESQ … An Ancestor

CHARLES JOHN HUFFAM DICKENS … A Poor Scribbler

SCENE 1

DICKENS is sitting on a bench, writing furiously in a notebook, and muttering quietly to himself.

DICKENS: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times… it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness… it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity… it was a little bit “whoor”, and a little bit “whaeey”, a little bit swsh-swsh-”… No, no, no!

DICKENS throws his pen down in frustration.

Come on, Dickens, that’s really not the thing. Focus, now…

Enter BLAIR, stage right – a tall, tanned gentleman with a rictus grin, suspiciously tight skin around the forehead, and a messianic gleam in his eye.

BLAIR: Ho! Ho there, scribe! Would you be so good to take down some notes for me? I have a bold new proposition – a vision for our society – which I have formulated on my excursions throughout the land, from the gentlemen’s clubs of the Strand to the fish-pots of Billingsgate.

DICKENS: I am intrigued! Pray, continue.

BLAIR: I propose that we establish a Criminal Justice System.

DICKENS: Ah. Um. Haven’t we already-

BLAIR: The founding principle, the most fundamental duty of this new system, shall be to protect the innocent from being wrongly convicted. Because our biggest current problem, you see, is that the Criminal Justice System we haven’t got keeps convicting people who didn’t do anything.

DICKENS: Well, I… I’m not entirely sure what you… I mean to say, I myself have long campaigned to bring to the public’s attention the most disgraceful treatment and conditions which must be suffered by the unfortunate-

BLAIR: If we can, from scratch, create a framework for not convicting people, then that truly shall lay the foundations of the future. Are you getting this?

DICKENS: Er… Indeed, sir. Might I say that I myself have – through bitter personal experience, it pains me to recall – extensive knowledge of the callous and capricious nature of what some may laughingly call “justice” in this country…

BLAIR: I’m sorry? What on earth are you talking about? My point is, this is part of a long term plan. Right now, we have no form of system at all. But once we’ve got the not convicting people thing good and solid, then we can move on to ensuring that law-abiding people can live in safety. By, you know, convicting as many people as we possibly can. Phase one; phase two. See?

DICKENS: Oh.

BLAIR: I’ve got lots of marvellous ideas – just lots of little quirky things that might be fun for a while. I mean, we could stipulate somehow that the authority administering the law is not itself above the law! I know, I know, it’s a bit crazy…

DICKENS: I… I rather think we started doing that in 1215, didn’t we?

BLAIR: And, and- Yeah, there could be this thing where, if somebody’s been imprisoned, it ensures they’re brought before a court to determine if their imprisonment is lawful… ooh, I like that one. I’m in the zone!

DICKENS: Once again, sir, for several centuries…

BLAIR: Now, obviously all these things are only temporary. Oh, they’ll be fine for the criminal behaviour of our current century – and possibly the next – which, I should imagine, will mostly be limited to top hat-wearing, prostitute-dismembering serial killers and cheeky but honest cockney rogues who admit it’s a fair cop when you catch them. But certainly they shall not apply in the century beyond that; a century when completely different challenges shall no doubt present themselves, the like of which we could not possibly imagine today! By the way, what’s that stain on your coat?

DICKENS: Oh… a sailor, somewhat the worse for drink, vomited upon me whilst having his way with a harlot on Petticoat Lane. But it is of little consequence. Do carry on.

BLAIR: It is my firm ambition that through such a system, our age – the Victorian age – will be known for all time as one of forgiveness, laxity and simpering tolerance of the criminal classes. Only that can prepare us for the desperate times, 150 years hence, when people start drinking to excess. Oh yes, some may mock me, you funny beardy writing man, and they may say that we shouldn’t change, but my belief in this is made of granite. We live in a simple, golden age – an age of gentleman adventurers and hearty wenches with wooden shoes – so we should give ourselves these little luxuries while we can, because the Lord knows they won’t be around forever!

DICKENS: You talk as though… (Pause) Do your eyes normally glow when you talk like this?

BLAIR: (Shrugs) It’s a thing.

DICKENS: …You talk as though these concepts are indulgences; abstractions, veneer, charming decorations or pleasing diversions, not necessary and vital protections, long fought-for, hard-won and desperately needed. And you act as though the prevention of wrongful conviction and the safety of law-abiding people are two different demands, quite seperate and quite opposed. They’re not. They are one and the same. (Sighs) There are many pleasant fictions of the law in constant operation…

BLAIR: You are clearly not posessed of sufficient vision, sir, and are unable to see the challenges and tests that are coming. We’re doing this for the ordinary, hard-working people. Trust me. If we enshrine these feeble, crime-appeasing principles now, in a century and a half we’ll have the criminals exactly where we want them. Lull the buggers into a false sense of security, then- BAM! Thankyou and goodnight, you felonious bastard! Almost feel sorry for them. Because you see, that’s the power of change; constant change, eternal change, change for changes sake, spare change. It will be hard; it will be painful; but it will be right. For blessed are the changemakers. Now go in peace.

DICKENS: Well, I… hang on, changemakers? Dude, is that even a word?

BLAIR exits, right, to the sound of heavenly trumpets, angelic choirs, and a four and half minute standing ovation. Dickens sighs. He searches through his valise, and pulls out an old and battered copy of Nicholas Nickleby. Flicking through it, he settles on a page, and begins reading to himself.

DICKENS: “When men are about to commit, or sanction the commission of some injustice, it is not uncommon for them to express pity for the object either of that or some parallel proceeding, and to feel themselves, at the time, quite virtuous and moral, and immensely superior to those who express no pity at all. This is a kind of upholding of faith above works, and is very comfortable…”

LIGHTS FADE OUT.