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“The leadership of Óglaigh na hÉireann has formally ordered an end to the armed campaign. This will take effect from 4pm this afternoon. All IRA units have been ordered to dump arms, and… ach, who are we kidding? We give up. We just can’t compete with all yous Muslim lads.

Since the Dáil first recognised its legitimacy in 1916, the Irish Republican Army has been steadfast and committed to fighting the British oppressors and occupiers. We have not wavered from our purpose. But you know, when a new bunch of guys come along to shake things up, often the old timers just need to step aside gracefully. More to the point, we’re pretty damn scared, and we’re just hoping that if we stay really quiet they’ll not notice us.

I mean, Jesus, they blow themselves up on purpose. Our lads only ever did that by accident.

The Army Council reaffirms our undying commitment to a united Ireland, as is overwhelmingly supported by the people of Ireland. We also reaffirm that we’d appreciate it if the Secret Organisation Group of al-Qaida of Jihad Organisation in Europe could keep their focus pretty much on the British Mainland. Please. We’re fine over here. Protestants we can deal with. But you lot… feckin’ hell.

London. London. Hold that thought.

I swear, if Eamon de Valera had got a load of your suicide bombers there, he’d have had an accident in his trousers.

Is fearr filleadh as lár an áthe ná bá sa tuile.”