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Amidst the deep and abiding strangeness of the “photoshopped portrait photography where people are kissing themselves” collection at Pupsam Selfkiss – about which the only things to say are that it’s strangely hypnotic, oddly stilted and possibly the least even-theoretically-erotic thing I’ve ever seen – one portrait stands out from the others… on the grounds that it’s the only one where the subject appears to be auditioning to be on the cover of a Suede album:

There’s a beautifully liminal area of reaction to some things, where your response traces a strange attractor-style path between between “great”, “aaaargh”, “why?”, “why not?”, “yes” and “noooooooooooooooooooooooo”. This is one of those things, I suspect.

(via qwghlm and BR)

Take a bow, Lumpy Q. Censoring:

People are weird. The internet is weird.

I normally like to think of myself as very much down with what the kids on the street are saying. I have been known to refer to my friends as “blud” or “bredren”. I occasionally call things “grimy”. I think these examples are sufficient to demonstrate that I am at least as black as David Cameron.

So I was somewhat taken aback when, passing by some youts on the street tonight, I overheard a snatch of conversation that I found utterly incomprehensible. The scene: this one dude was talking to his friend, and laughing gleefully.

Yout’ 1: …I am going to be roaming in mayonnaise tonight!
Yout’ 2: May-o-naaaaaiiiise!
Yout’ 1: Nice and creamy!

So, my question: what the fuck were they talking about? There’s only two colloquial meanings attached to mayonnaise I can think of. I’ll assume that they can’t, surely, have been using mayonnaise as a euphemism for semen: “I’m going to be roaming in semen tonight”? Unlikely, at the very least. Which leaves the other meaning, namely the stereotype that black people don’t like mayonnaise (this study notes that a major mayonnaise manufacturer in America once refused to buy ad-time on a major black radio station on those grounds). So, a possible connection – has it become used as slang for anything black people don’t like, or that’s particularly un-black. “I’m going to be amongst people or things that I don’t like tonight,” perhaps? Maybe, but as I mentioned, it was said with some joy, which doesn’t really fit that explanation. So, anybody who has any idea – please, please help. I’m confused.

On the faint possibility that they were, in fact, talking about actual mayonnaise, the question seems obvious: how exactly do you roam in it?

BBC captions for photos of the Commonwealth opening ceremony, or drug-crazed techno-surrealist dream sequence?

“The Queen and Prince Phillip arrive at the Opening Ceremony for the 18th Commonwealth Games. Metal fishes illuminate the Yarra River and spray water into the sky, as the ceremony splurges outside of the ground. As the ceremony proceeds, a flying Melbourne tram enters the arena in front of 80,000 spectators. A boy takes part in an amusing and magical adventure which includes a giant koala and a toy duck. Ballerinas then fly above the lit-up stadium before fireworks shower out from jets attached to their feet. The Queen’s message opens with; ‘We celebrate the value of sport as a means of bringing together people from 71 nations’. Delta Goodrem sings amidst glittering fireworks which are set off from in-line skaters’ trailing sparks.”

I SWEAR TO GOD I HAVEN’T PHOTOSHOPPED THIS EVEN ONE LITTLE BIT.

Google Image Search > Satire

The concept of a “Public Library” takes a bafflingly literal new direction.

“Hello. I’m looking for Fly Fishing by JR Hartley.”

“Yes please. Also, about that gay I borrowed last week? Someone had scribbled all over it and ripped the end out. I was very disappointed.”