Blonde Items

Okay, so everybody's playing the "collate your favourite nasty quotes about Alexander" game. Well, we're buggered if we're going to be left out. However, where others seem content to compile the epithets thrown at the acting, writing, directing (and other tiresome necessities of moviemaking), we shall focus on the important issue - Colin Farrell's hair:

Manohla Dargis, New York Times - "Colin Farrell [is] upstaged by an epically bad dye job"

Lou Lumenick, New York Post - "Sporting a dreadful blond pageboy and a micro-mini toga while exchanging come-hither looks with his mascara-loving childhood pal, Hephaistion (Jared Leto), Colin Farrell looks more like Alexander the Fabulous than Alexander the Great."

Michael Atkinson, Village Voice - "The blond mop someone dropped on top of poor Connor Paolo's head as he catatonically limns the 'tween-aged Macedonian conqueror is merely the appetizer; together, warriors Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, Gary Stretch, and Jared Leto could assemble a Bon Jovi cover outfit when the Asian campaigns are over. Presiding above all is Colin Farrell's tousled bleach job, his gypsy-moth eyebrows and dark brooding roots suggesting less the eponymous myth figure in his battlefield prime than a Vanity Fair hairdresser ablaze with purpose during a high-pressure Kirsten Dunst cover shoot."

The Macedonian army: as long as the fans are still out there, they'll keep rocking for them.

Bruce Newman, San Jose Mercury News - "History records that Alexander was a blond, but does that mean that Colin Farrell -- who plays the warrior king with a semi-perm soft as golden fleece -- has to go into battle looking like he just came from having his tips frosted at Supercuts? To get that lovely bouffant 'do, did Alexander set his hair wet at bedtime and forget it? Or did he have slaves who blew it dry? Farrell's tawny mane and androgynous mien project a certain, indefinable Macedonian metrosexuality. The result is part professional wrestler, part bass player for Def Leppard."

Paul Clinton, CNN - "Another problem is Farrell's hair. Sorry, I have to go there... [his] naturally dark hair was transformed into a cheap, glaring, bottle blond, while leaving the Irish actor's black caterpillar-like eyebrows their normal color.This may be nitpicking -- but for me -- the jarring result is that Farrell's Alexander looks like a Babylonian hooker after a busy Saturday night."

Bill Muller, Arizona Republic - "Even if you were inclined to listen to the dialogue, you wouldn't be able to take your eyes off Colin Farrell's frightful blond Alexander wig. He doesn't so much resemble a great leader as Dave Coulier from Full House: 'I have conquered Asia. And now I decree that the Olsen twins must clean up their room.'"

Wesley Morris, Boston Globe - "The new Oliver Stone movie, Alexander, is full of brilliant highlights, and they're all in Colin Farrell's hair. His coif begins a mere flaxen mop, full of life (and sand), as he smolders through the young-adult years of Alexander the Great. Nearly three hours (and 13 years) later, it's gone wild, turned into the mane of both a warrior and certain Camaro owners. In those salon-treated locks, you can see the movie that Alexander is -- long and unruly -- and the one that it longs to be: layered and unforgettable."

Wesley Morris wins. We applaud him. All this critical bile gives us hope for the (currently rumoured) resurrection of Baz Luhrmann's Untitled Alexander Project. Perhaps it would be an improvement, perhaps it would be every bit as much of a muddle, but one thing is certain: it would be much, much gayer, and the hairstyling would be of a far higher standard.